The Misadventures of Emmett
by Glittercups69
Summary: This is alot of short stories about non-other than Emmett! they are all pretty funny and the ideas for them came from storied on here and from friends and my own brain power lol enjoy and don't forget to R/R
1. Emmett and the peanut butter

[A/N]: I don not own twilight's awesome characters! But I do own the first book! =D But this is all about Emmett mostly! Everyone says me and him should be related… I hate when people relate me to a man…. Lol love Emmett though! OK NOUGH JIBBER-JABBER ON WITH THE STORY!

BPOV

Emmett sat at the kitchen table and continued to sigh. I looked at him, "What's wrong Emmett?" He glanced over at me then turned his head back to face forward.

"The guys went hunting without me. Why are you here?"

I stared at the T.V screen in front of me as I flipped through the channels. "I'm waiting for Alice to come down so we can go _shopping._" Emmett snickered.

"Not funny Emmett!" I glared at him. He knew I hated shopping. Emmett stop snickering and started to sniff the air. "Hey…Bella what's that smell?" I looked at him and started to sniff the air myself.

"I don't know Emmett or do you forget, I don't have super vampire smelling!"

"Geez! Bella are you on your period? Don't be so mean… I am a sensitive man you know!" As he said that he got up to sniff around the kitchen for the scent that lingered under his nose.

"No! I just miss Edward and wish ALICE WOULD HURRY UP!" Which was very true. I heard Alice scream something from upstairs but couldn't make it out. But Emmett just laughed. I hate my human hearing in this house. He continued on with his search by opening the cabinets. "I think that it must be some of the human food that Esme got you Bella." I looked his way but said nothing.

Alice came down the stairs and plopped on the couch next to me. "We'll leave in a minute Bella. But there is something I want you to see before we leave." I lloked at her in confusion.

"What I am supposed to do until then?"

"Watch T.V." Alice said.

I huffed and started to flip through the channels again. A few minutes later Emmett's search ended.

"YESSSSS! I found the fantastic aroma!" He shouted. Alice giggled. I guess this is what she wanted me to see. Emmett grabbed the jar out of the cabinet and showed me.

"See Bella this is what I was talking about."

I stared at him, "A jar of peanut butter Emmett?"

He simple nodded his head up and down real fast. He must have been really bored to look for a small jar of peanut butter. Alice continued to giggle. What was he going to do with that jar of peanut butter? I watched Emmett closely. He took the lid off the jar and smiled. I watched him as he let the aroma fill his nose and then he basically put his nose into the jar and it look like he was trying to snort it. I started to laugh. "So….Can .We…..Go….Now…..Alice." I said between laughs. We nodded and left Emmett to his peanut butter snorting.

[A/N]: R/R ! And what do you think? First twilight story and more to come for Emmett after all these short stories are all for him!


	2. Emmett's Gay?

A/N: ok Emmett is not really gay guys if you read the story you'll under stand…Anyways without further distractions I present another short story.

Emmett's Gay

EMPOV

I sighed heavily. It seemed that no one this week wanted to go hunting with me. I mean earlier this week I had to dig peanut butter out of my nose. Rose wasn't very happy with me for that one. But Alice and Bella seemed to enjoy it. That made it worth it, that people think I'm funny at least. Alice walked up to me. "Something wrong Emmett?" she asked me.

"No one seems to want to go hunting with me. I mean the guys still don't want to hunt with me..."

"Well, why don't you go hunting with Rosalie?"

I looked at her. As if hunting with girls is boring. I love Rosalie but she was no fun when it came to hunting. She was always serious. "But hunting with girls is no fun Alice."

"Oh?" She looked at me as if she was offended. She smiled that quirky smile of hers and I knew something was wrong.

"Really Emmett? Hunting with girls is no fun?"

"Well kinda…I mean –"Alice cut me off.

"Are you gay Emmett?"

My eyes widen at what she had just said to me. "I-"I didn't know what to say. Alice smiled.

"Well are you Emmett?"

I continued to look at her in confusion. Why had she asked me that? I couldn't seem to get the words out. But I was definitely _NOT _gay. "Alice I'm..not gay."

"Well it sure took you awhile to answer." She said and then skipped away from me. I stood there stunned.

"So Emmett you're gay?" A familiar voice said.

"Rose?"

"Is that why you won't hunt with me often?"

"N-No I just um…"

"Whatever Emmett." She said as she walked in the opposite direction of me. I trailed after her.

"Wait Rose!" I called but she kept walking. Why was this happening to me? Does God hate me? Is God real? Wait how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie roll tootsie pop?

[A/N: The world may never know Emmett. Ah how simple his mind is I wonder how Rose was holding up. Anywways R/R! please?]


	3. Emmett Scars Edward

**Emmett Scars Edward**

ED.P.O.V

I was sitting down at the kitchen table when Emmett came over and sat across from me. A smile on his face. I was curious so I decided to just look in his head. And there it was. Rosalie nearly naked. I looked at him and glared.

"What?" he said.

"Stop thinking about Rosalie like that. "

"Like what?"

"You know what!" I growled. He just stared at me for a minute.

" I really don't know what you are talking about Edward." He smirked at me. Then Rosalie naked and panting on the bed popped into my head.

"Stop it Emmett!"

"Stop what Edward?" He looked at me with a sincere face on.

Rosalie came back to my thoughts. Only this time she was panting heavily calling out Emmett's name . I pinched the bridge of my nose.

"Please Emmett I'm begging you. Please stop thinking about her that way."

Emmett smirked. More Images of Rosalie popped up in my head.

"OH GOD! Make it stop!"

I tried to run but Emmett just followed me.

"Emmett go away!"

He stood there. "Y-You don't want to have amazing butt sex with me? I thought you were my lover!" He ran off. Why in the world had he said that?

"Edward? Is there something you would like to tell me?"

I turned around to see the love of my laugh staring at me wide-eyed. I heard Emmett snickering down the hall. Great. Just friggin great!

[A/N]: Yeah I got about 16 reviews and they were all nice I hope you liked this one as much as you guys liked the other. The title of my next one is Emmett the Docter. I hope it will be as funny as these other two to you guys thank you and don't forget to R/R ! And message me if you have ideas for Emmett's crazy day to day fun.


	4. Emmett the Doctor

**Emmett the Doctor**

EM.P.O.V

It was another boring day at Forks High and Rosalie and the janitors closet was getting old. I was in my health class and the began his big speech on safe sex. I was tired of that speech. I raised my hand.

"Yes ?"

"Can I go to the nurse I'm not feeling well." He nodded at me and gave me leave of his boring class. When I was at the nurses office I told her I was leaving because I told her I wasn't feeling well.

"Emmett… You do look extra pale today. Maybe you should go to the doctor. Isn't your father a doctor?"

I smiled and told her I would. Then it hit me. Maybe it would be cool if I could be a doctor! I ran to my jeep in the parking lot and drove way above the speed limit and reached the hospital in records time. I walked into the hospital and didn't bother to ask the nurse for my father. Because I wasn't here for him what so ever. I snuck passed a couple of nurses who were looking me up and down. I smiled.

"Hey I'm the new doctor um…Do you know where I can find the closet with all the supplies."

"Um…Like, are you Dr. Cavier?" a blond said.

I smiled my million dollar Emmett smile. "Why yes that is me."

She smiled and pointed in the direction of the supply closet. Edward was right most blondes are dumb! I reached the closet and found one of those lab coats and a name tag. I got to the nurses station and winked at the head nurse who I say was in her late 20's. I grabbed a clipboard and pretended to know what I was doing.

"Emmett?"

I looked over my shoulder to see Carlisle my father. "Hey dad."

"What are you doing here?"

"Playing doctor." I said in a whisper to low for a human to pick up.

"Emmett!" He began to raise his voice.

I smiled, "Please dad I was bored at school." I tried to put but I'm a man and we don't pout. And we're not stupid. Except Mike Newton, he's stupid. Carlisle sighed, "Fine."

"YEAH!" I smiled and saw a cute nurse walk by. I winked at her and her face went red.

"Emmett behave."

"Yes sir."

The day went on and I rather tortured than helped my father. A nurse tapped me on the shoulder.

"Yes?"

"There is a patient asking for you."

"Ok I will be there in a few." I walked idly into the room with a couple of female patients. I looked at my clip board and ready my best doctors' voice. I saw the name of the patient and smirked. I cleared my throat, "Rosalie Hale?"

"Yes Dr. Cavier." She smiled. I smiled back.

"Let me show you to the back ma'am."

Rosalie followed me into the back. I had some new ideas to add to our sexcapades (A/N: As I called them that lolz)

"So Rosalie…"

"Yes?"

"Wanna play doctor?"

She stared at me for a minute.

"What?"

My smile faded away and I stood there unhappy.

[A/n]: 2 in one day that's a record for me! Anyways I hope you like continue to read my stories of Emmett's wild self ! I love him he's so cool! If I was a guy I would be just like him. Yes people say I act like Emmett… talk to me and you'll think so too.


	5. Alice's Fun

**Alice's fun.**

B.P.O.V

It was a boring day without Edward. But I had decided to go over the Cullen's house to spend some time with Alice. When Alice came to pick me up she smiled.

"Why are you smiling?"

"We are going to have a bit of fun today Bella."

I cocked a brow and shook my head. When we got to the house I went and sat in the living room. "I'll be right back Bella you watch T.V." Alice had disappeared somewhere and I really didn't want to get up. I sat there and sighed. Alice came back about five minutes later with a smile as big as the sun. I paid no mind to it and turned my head to the television. The T.V was on a commercial. The commercial was a Covergirl one and Alice snickered at it. I just sat there clueless and shrugged my shoulders. Then it came to me.

"Hey Alice?"

"Yeah Bella?"

"You're really good at putting on make-up."

"I like to think so."

"I was wondering…"

"Yes Bella?" her smile widened.

"Have you… Um, ever put make-up on a guy?"

Her smile vanished, "Well of course!"

I wasn't the least bit surprised that she would put make-up on a guy.

"Really? When?"

Her smile came back. "Five minutes ago."

Then a scream came from upstairs. I turned around to see Emmett.

"Damn it ALICE!" He came down the stairs and across the room. "I'm taking back your Porsche!"

I looked at him. "Emmett?" I felt my stomach tighten. I knew I was about to laugh.

"You were so willing Emmett!" Alice said innocently.

"I was so not!"

I looked at Emmett straight in the eyes. "Hey Emmett?"

"Yeah Bella?" His nostrils were flared out in anger towards Alice ,I guess.

"Um… Nice bow."

That was it for him. He ran out the door. "I'll get you back Alice just you see!"

I ran to the front door to see what he was doing. He stood by his jeep.

"I'll get you my pretty little Alice! And you to little Bella!" he pointed his index finger towards me. I cocked a brow. "I'd like to see you try!"

[A/N: SOOOOO did you like? Anyways R/R and thanks for the encouragement


	6. Emmett Goes to BuildABear

**Emmett Goes to Build-A-Bear**

B.P.O.V

"Edward? Where are we going?"

Edward smiled as we walked through the mall.

"Ohhhh! You'll have so much fun Bella!" Emmett said.

I sighed and grabbed Edward's cold hand. What I was in for I don't know. We followed Emmett for what seemed like forever, and then I saw it. Build-A-Bear Workshop. I stopped dead in my tracks.

"Edward. I'm not going in there."

"No Bella! You have too!" Emmett cried. Rosalie put her hand on her forehead. Alice was of course nowhere to be found. Edward looked at me.

"Bella? What do you have against this place?"

"Well let's just say… I had a bad experience when I was younger." And I was going to tell them.

Edward sighed, "Emmett. She doesn't want to go in we'll wait out here."

"No you won't."

"What? Yes we will." I said.

"I'll tell Edward what happen to you and that trash can."

Ok let's see make a bear or tell Edward about how I was trying to help the kid in my neighborhood put trash in the trash can and end up falling in with the trash and rolled down the hill. I showered for almost two hours and still don't feel clean. Ok I guess I'll go in.

"Okay Emmett. I'll go."

"YAY!"

We all walked into the store and one of the employees looked at us and then walked away after looking Edward up in down. He's not a piece of meat! MINE! Anyways! Emmett almost bounced over to the barrels of bears and picked up a grizzly bear. Rosalie just watched. I walked over to the barrels. Maybe I would make a bear and nothing lethal will happen to me this time. I grabbed a white bear that had a blue tint to it. They had a pink one, but that was to girly for me. Edward watched me as I walked up to get my bear stuffed. Emmett on the other hand was jumping as he waited for the employee to tell him to kiss his bears heart and put it in the stuffing. The whole time he kept on talking about names for his darling grizzly.

"I will love him, hug him, and name him George." Emmett smiled.

I stifled my laughter. As I was stuffing Emmett went on to get his bear some clothes. I watched him to see what he would choose. He went over to the big Harley Davidson sign and looked the rack up in down.

"Nice rack!" he said to no one I hope. He picked up some leather chaps for his bear and a leather jacket and matching hat. He then went to get him a shirt and some boots. After stuffing my bear I went and got my bear an average looking outfit.

"Your bear is to plain Bella" Emmett came behind me.

"So!"

"So! Make it more interesting!"

"Ok? Emmett quick question."

"Yeah?"

"Is your bear gay?"

"WHAT!"

I smiled.

"Definitely." He smiled. I looked at him shocked.

"Really? Why?"

Emmett leaned in and whispered in my ear, "It's for Jasper."

I felt my stomach tighten as I belt out a laugh. Edward smile and Rosalie just shook her head.

We purchased our bears and were ready to leave only to be stopped by Emmett once more.

"I forgot to get George some pretty pink undies!"

We all stared at him in disbelief.

"Emmett!" we all shouted.

"Fine! I won't get them! Jasper will just have to deal with a pantieless boyfriend!" He huffed.

By the Time we found Alice and Jasper it was nearly dark outside and I would have to go home soon. I sighed not wanting my time to end with them today. But I would see Edward tonight.

"Hey! Jasper! I got you something."Jasper looked at Emmett.

"What?"

Emmett pulled the bear out of the caring case. "His name is George… He's your new boyfriend… Remember to feed him… wash his clothes daily and make sure you get online and have fun with him too if you know what I mean!" Emmett winked at Jasper, who was heated and ripped the bears head off. Emmett eyes nearly popped out of his head.

"GEORGE!"He shouted. Jasper threw the bear in the nearest trash can.

"Let's go home guys."

We all left the mall and went home laughing at Emmett who was still depressed over Sparkles.

[A/N: ok this one wasn't as funny as the other ones but I was bored and decided to write it enjoy and thanks for the reviews! R/R!]


	7. Emmet's new friend Text?

Emmett's new best friend…Texting?!

B.P.O.V

I watched Emmett come bolting down the stairs and towards me. What he wanted, I don't know.

"Hey Bella! Do you have Mike Newton's cell phone number still?"

Edward face was hard and staring at me. Mike Newton was kind of still my friend, in a way.

"Um…Yeah Emmett…Why do you want it?"

"YES! PLEASE!?!" He was begging already.

"Sure Emmett." I reached in my back pocket and grabbed it. I gave Emmett the number. And he bounced away happily. He is really hyper.

EM. P.O.V

I was kind of to hyper for my own good. But this was going to be priceless! I could just see the look on Mike's face when he got this text! I instantly grabbed my phone and went to my text inbox and put his number in the send to box. And then I started to text my very funny yet true text to him. I just can't wait to see his reaction!

Mike's P.O.V

My phone started to ring from my pocket. I really needed to change that ringtone of my it's getting old. I picked it up from it's spot on my side table next to my bed and flipped it open. My mouth dropped as I read the text.

From: xxx-xxx-xxx

Message:

Sex life…..searching…searching….searching….ERROR: No sex life found… Please try again later.

I re-read the text at least three times. Who was it from? Why would they say something so mean to me? I began to reply to the person but stopped. What was I going to say back to him or..her? Then it came to me. "Finished! And send!"

Em. P.O.V

I received the text back from him. All I could do was laugh. It didn't bother me.

From. Mike

Message:

If my head looks like yours, I'd shave my rear end and walked on my hands.

I forwarded the same message back to him. I'll bet he be mad.

A.P.O.V

I sat next to Bella and Edward who were on the couch watching Titanic. Edward chose the movie of course. How non-romantic of him! It's too sappy for me at least after watching it ten times I was through.

But I laughed and not at them at my vision of Mike Newton finding out that it was Emmett who was texting him. Emmett needed some serious help. He has no life, besides pranking people and his sex life with Rosalie. Which by the way … I must tell him he will be getting none tonight if he doesn't pay her attention in the next couple of minutes.

{A/N}Sorry! i have been oooober busy even though oooober isn't really a word! but anyways Emmett's new friend texting will continue next time in the next chapter of his Epic life! if anyone wants to give me funny ideas message me!


	8. Emmett's Hallucination

Emmett's Hallucination

I was lying down staring at the ceiling when I was awoken by a loud thud. I shot up out of my bed only to see Jasper. Jasper came jumping out the window and into my room. His face was lovesick. "Emmett?"

"Jasper!?!" I screeched. He got closer to my bed.

"What do you want Jasper!" I yelled

"Emmett. I need to tell you just wondering…"

"Dude. What are you doing?" I said staring at him.

He was on one knee… "I'm confessing my lo-"

"Dude. Get out of my room!"

He doesn't move. "NOW!" I growled.

He ran out. I hear the sounds of rocks hitting the ground and then go back to my staring competition with the ceiling.

I'm distracted once more by another loud thud and cautiously avert my eyes from the ceiling.

"Emmett?"

Mike Newton? Seriously this is getting weird.

"Mike?!" I yelled, not bothering to be quiet. I was the only one here everyone else was hunting (which they often did with out me. I feel unloved)

"Dude what are you doing here?"

"Emmett. I need to tell you something. Um… Well… We've known each other for awhile and…um… I've gotten to know you very well-"Please tell me he is about to say what I think he's going to say.

"And…um...Well, I'm just going to come out with it. Emmett. I'm in love with you!" I stared at him. "GET OUT!" I yell and watch him scatter out of the house. Now, back to my ceiling.

My attention was taken from me again as something or someone was coming out of my closet. What the hell is going on today? I stared at my closet door. "Emmett" I didn't recognize the voice. Mr. Banner came out of my closet.

"Mr. Banner?!" I stared shocked at who it was. And then came Elvis…Followed by Barney. WHAT THE HELL!? I started to scream… Someone was shaking me…

"Emmett!" Rosalie, the voice of an angel.

"NO NOT BARNEY!" was all I could say.

"Emmett what's wrong?!" Rosalie shouted.

What a weird hallucination. I'll look at none of these guys the same way again.

A/N: ok my friend gave me this story I just changed it around a bit I hope you like it and thank you Agent Bubbles! Lol was bored and decided to put Emmett actually in the story! Hi Emmett!


	9. Emmett Emails Bella

**Emmett E-mails Bella**

**[A/N]: Ok so Emmett had a computer and he named it george… Rosalie killed it because he wasn't touching her so she killed it**

**From:** Emmett Cullen hi_im_**To:** Bella Cullen **Sent:** Friday, April 3, 2009 12:37:12 PM**Subject:**

You stink lol MWAHAHAHAHAHAH I have an e-mail adress now! I can hack people

**From:** Bella Cullen leechlover **To:** Emmett Cullen hi_im_**Sent:** Friday, April 3, 2009 12:38:34 PM**Subject:** Re:

hows george

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**From:** Emmett Cullen hi_im_**To:** Bella Cullen leechlover **Sent:** Friday, April 3, 2009 12:42:09 PM**Subject:** Re:

George broke... =,(

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**From:** Bella Cullen leechlover **To:** Emmett Cullen hi_im_**Sent:** Friday, April 3, 2009 12:45:20 PM**Subject:** Re:

awww poor george what did you name your new cyber lover

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**From:** Emmett Cullen hi_im_**To:** Bella Cullen leechlover **Sent:** Friday, April 3, 2009 12:47:32 PM**Subject:** Re:

George Jr. =D he looks just like his daddy

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**From:** Bella Cullen leechlover **To:** Emmett Cullen hi_im_**Sent:** Friday, April 3, 2009 12:49:13 PM**Subject:** Re:

whos the mommy

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**From:** Emmett Cullen hi_im_**To:** Bella Cullen leechlover **Sent:** Friday, April 3, 2009 12:50:55 PM**Subject:** Re:

Doesn't have one...I bought him on the internet! =D

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**From:** Bella Cullen leechlover **To:** Emmett Cullen hi_im_**Sent:** Friday, April 3, 2009 12:53:52 PM**Subject:** Re:

You know the Black market is illegal

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**From:** Emmett Cullen hi_im_**To:** Bella Cullen leechlover **Sent:** Friday, April 3, 2009 12:54:40 PM**Subject:** Re:

But...But... i bought him at .... How is that illegal?

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**From:** Bella Cullen leechlover **To:** Emmett Cullen hi_im_**Sent:** Monday, April 6, 2009 12:06:26 PM**Subject:** Re:

because you used candy land money

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**From:** Emmett Cullen hi_im_**To:** Bella Cullen leechlover **Sent:** Monday, April 6, 2009 12:15:11 PM**Subject:** Re:

I didn't use cany land money it was monopoly and afterwards Carlisle gave me real money...

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**From:** Bella Cullen leechlover **To:** Emmett Cullen hi_im_**Sent:** Monday, April 6, 2009 12:18:32 PM**Subject:** Re:

why dont you go earn your own money you could prob make a pretty penny off all of your "dancing skills"

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**From:** Emmett Cullen hi_im_**To:** Bella Cullen leechlover **Sent:** Monday, April 6, 2009 12:21:33 PM**Subject:** Re:

Your so mean! what did I ever do to you? I let you win in the arm wrestling contest after you turn and then you make fun of my ability to make money? I have more money than you and has Edward told you?

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**From:** Bella Cullen leechlover **To:** Emmett Cullen hi_im_**Sent:** Monday, April 6, 2009 12:30:37 PM**Subject:** Re:

you didnt let me win bc if you would have let me win you wouldnt have cried afterwards and you dont have andy money unless you get it from Rosalie or Carlisle tell me who bought your car

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**From:** Emmett Cullen hi_im_**To:** Bella Cullen leechlover **Sent:** Monday, April 6, 2009 12:39:17 PM**Subject:** Re:

I did! I sued the guy who's bear attacked me! It was YOGI!

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**From:** Bella Cullen leechlover **To:** Emmett Cullen hi_im_**Sent:** Monday, April 6, 2009 12:42:58 PM**Subject:** Re:

one question How does a dead guy win a lawsiut?

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**From:** Emmett Cullen hi_im_**To:** Bella Cullen leechlover **Sent:** Monday, April 6, 2009 12:47:03 PM**Subject:** Re:

I told them i was attacked but not killed...I was saved by a tree

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**From:** Bella Cullen leechlover **To:** Emmett Cullen hi_im_**Sent:** Monday, April 6, 2009 12:52:57 PM**Subject:** Re:

so how did the exam part go so the could asses your injuries

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**From:** Emmett Cullen hi_im_**To:** Bella Cullen leechlover **Sent:** Monday, April 6, 2009 12:54:47 PM**Subject:** Re:

Carlisle helped me... =D

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**From:** Bella Cullen leechlover **To:** Emmett Cullen hi_im_**Sent:** Monday, April 6, 2009 9:23:41 PM**Subject:** Re:

yeah so how did that prostate exam go

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**From:** Emmett Cullen hi_im_**To:** Bella Cullen leechlover **Sent:** Tuesday, April 7, 2009 12:02:35 PM**Subject:** Re:

My daddy helped me and we both hated the touching!

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**From:** Bella Cullen leechlover **To:** Emmett Cullen hi_im_**Sent:** Tuesday, April 7, 2009 12:05:37 PM**Subject:** Re:

are you sure come on we all know you have special litlle fantasies about carlisle

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**From:** Emmett Cullen hi_im_**To:** Bella Cullen leechlover **Sent:** Tuesday, April 7, 2009 12:07:26 PM**Subject:** Re:

WHO TOLD YOU THAT LIE! YOUR STUPID MIND-READING HUSBAND?!?!?!?!?1

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**From:** Bella Cullen leechlover **To:** Emmett Cullen hi_im_**Sent:** Tuesday, April 7, 2009 12:10:34 PM**Subject:** Re:

at least i cant get something out of him the only thing you get out of rosalie is slapped i get magical pixie dust

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**From:** Emmett Cullen hi_im_**To:** Bella Cullen leechlover **Sent:** Tuesday, April 7, 2009 12:21:13 PM**Subject:** Re:

Alice gives me glitter does that count

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**From:** Bella Cullen leechlover **To:** Emmett Cullen hi_im_**Sent:** Tuesday, April 7, 2009 12:29:08 PM**Subject:** Re:

and were does the glitter come from i will give you a hint not from the store

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**From:** Emmett Cullen hi_im_**To:** Bella Cullen leechlover **Sent:** Tuesday, April 7, 2009 12:39:15 PM**Subject:** Re:

O.e Alice told me she bought it from the store WHAT are you talking about?!?!?!?1

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**From:** Bella Cullen leechlover **To:** Emmett Cullen hi_im_**Sent:** Tuesday, April 7, 2009 12:48:10 PM**Subject:** Re:

It came from jasper why do think she is always covered in it

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**From:** Emmett Cullen hi_im_**To:** Bella Cullen leechlover **Sent:** Tuesday, April 7, 2009 12:51:17 PM**Subject:** Re:

0.e I thought... Wait...What are you trying to say Bella?

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**From:** Bella Cullen leechlover **To:** Emmett Cullen hi_im_**Sent:** Wednesday, April 8, 2009 12:07:37 PM**Subject:** Re:

that you have been using jasper 'special pixie dust' to decorate with

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**From:** Emmett Cullen hi_im_**To:** Bella Cullen leechlover **Sent:** Wednesday, April 8, 2009 12:13:29 PM**Subject:** Re:

I did not know we can do that!!!!!! And ew! I'm telling Edward on you! how do you know about "jasper's special pixie dust?"

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**From:** Bella Cullen leechlover **To:** Emmett Cullen hi_im_**Sent:** Wednesday, April 8, 2009 12:16:39 PM**Subject:** Re:

because jasper thinks some interesting things and its really easy to get things out of edward and if you tell him i will tell rosalie were you are hiding your collection that you were supposed to get rid of

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**From:** Emmett Cullen hi_im_**To:** Bella Cullen leechlover **Sent:** Wednesday, April 8, 2009 12:19:11 PM**Subject:** Re:

Thats what you think and your stupid husband burned my collection....poor miley...

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**From:** Bella Cullen leechlover **To:** Emmett Cullen hi_im_**Sent:** Wednesday, April 8, 2009 12:16:39 PM**Subject:** Re:

he didnt burn it he just moved it i told him that if he burned it he wouldnt be touching me for a century


	10. Bella's tripEmmett's the nurse shhh

[A/N]: Ok my friend wrote this story high and I changed it around a bit. This is right after the James incident in the first book. The nurse just drugged Bella and she is kinda loopy… Hope you like it.

Edward's POV

I walked back into Bella's hospital room and found her hysterically laughing. I loved her laugh and was glad to see a smile on her face, but was puzzled a bit as to why she was laughing. I walked further into the room and she continued to laugh, not noticing I had walked in. Finally, I cleared my throat so that she would know I was there. She then turned over to look at me in her bed still laughing.

"What's so funny Bella?" I asked

"I…took….I took the nurses pen…." And then she burst into laughter again while pulling a pen from behind her back.

At this I had to join in laughing. When the nurse said that Bella might be loopy, she really meant it. Suddenly, though, Bella stopped laughing and just started to stare at me and I tensed, scared that she suddenly remembered everything.

"Bella?…Are you alright?" I said concerned.

"Is it hot in here…or is it just you?" and her laughing started up again. But I was stuck in the fact that I was pretty sure Bella just called me hot….not really but still.

"You know what I want? Pancakes,…hot juicy pancakes….can you make pancakes juicy?….Well I guess you could if you added fruit but then that is not really the pancake that is juicy….So, I take that back. I want hot pancakes with bananas…Oh bananas. That is some good fruitiness….The flavor just keeps going and going and going… Oh and there was this one time at the beginning of the year, Jacob dared me to jump off the top step of the fort in my backyard and said if I did, he would be my slave forever!! So, of course, I did and then when I did I landed on my head and it really hurt!...and he was not my slave forever, but I forgave him eventually and we ate spaghetti noodles …You know what I have always wanted to try? The ever lasting god- stopper…How do you think they came up with the name God-stopper? Do they really think that that little piece of candy could really stop God?…I mean come on, he like created everything so why would he create something that could stop him… I always wanted a cat, but I never got one...My friend had a cat named Pancakes though…I use to run around her house and call 'Pannnn-CaKes' and then the cat would look at me and have this look in his eyes like I was stupid, but what did I care he was just a freaking cat…You know what I always wondered?…Why do cats not like bananas. I mean they would be like the most funniest things ever…They could rip them apart with their claws and jump on them and splatter people with banana goo…and make dogs slip on them! Wow, I wish I was a cat….I wonder if cats really have nine lives…I mean what kind of jerk would test that on a cat?…and how do u measure a life if it is not like over?… Wow, your hot..." then Bella broke out into song and while she was extremely loud she actually sounded pretty good "SOMEWHERE OVER THE RAINBOW WAY UP HIGH!" but she was interrupted by a loud booming laugh.

Emmett had walked in and had not made it more then three steps in the door before he fell to the ground in laughter. I could not blame him. Bella's rant was pretty funny, but I had not died of laughter yet because I was just in such shock over what Bella was saying and how much she was saying.

"Excuse me, Mr.  
Rude Pants…but I was singing!"

"Oh, I am sorry. Please continue." he said though his laughter.

"Thank you,…but now you have ruined my song!…RUDE!"

"Oh, I am so sorry" Emmett said faking sincerity.

"Edward….Why do you hang out with Mr. Rude Pants?…You are much to hot to be even in the same room as him…" and yet again I was in a state of shock from Bella calling me hot.

Emmett got an evil looking smile that played across his face and then turned to Bella.

[A/N]: ok so Bella is extremely hyper! And So is my friend…Um…Well I'll start up the e-mail again I just got stuck…and grounded…my phone! I love you ! Bye R/R!


	11. What a Night For Rosalie!

(A/N: This is if Emmett were human I had the help of writing this story and from what I hear people are liking my stories I would like a lot of reviews this time sooooo R/R a lot! And tell others about it!)

Emmett woke up after the annual spring school party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where I had put some coffee in front of him on the table.

"Rosalie," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"His voice a little curious.

"Even worse," I said, my voice oozing with scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire school board of education and you insulted the principle, right to his face."

"He's an asshole," Emmett said. "Piss on him."

"You did," came my reply. "And he expelled you."

Emmett stared at me then yelled, "Well, screw him!"

"I did. You go back to school on Monday." I said with a smile. Emmett's mouth dropped.

Then he slowly walked out of the kitchen and into the living room.

"Carlisle!" his cry came. Carlisle voice was next to him as quick as humanly possible.

"What Emmett?" worry in his voice. I sat in the door frame.

"M-my girlfriend slept with the principle." His tone was very sad.

"Well… I told her too. You are not going to ruin your life's work for being drunk at a school party and peeing on your principle and assaulting higher authority." His voice was very convincing when had told me to do the dirty deed.

"I did it with love for you Emmett." My voice was sad and scared. I was a damned good actress no matter what Edward said. Emmett stared at me.

"I still love you Rosalie." Hook, line, and sinker!

(A/N: ok so tell me what you think… I found it a changed it around abit it came from a joke site and I twisted around twilight and added parts in and took parts out and made it my own. Oh and whoever used Bella's e-mail address don't do it anymore…It is scaring her lol you can message her though and Emmett... –cough, cough- ME)


	12. Emmett Emails Bella 2

**From:** Bella Cullen  
**To:** Emmett Cullen hi_im_emmettyahoo...com  
**Sent:** Friday, April 17, 2009 12:06:45 PM  
**Subject:**

Hello Emmett guess what

**From:** Emmett Cullen hi_im_  
**To:** Bella Cullen  
**Sent:** Friday, April 17, 2009 12:17:03 PM  
**Subject:** Re:

Bella? I thought You were mad to find out that Edward really did burn my collection without telling you...so you were not talking to me...

**From:** Bella Cullen  
**To:** Emmett Cullen hi_im_  
**Sent:** Friday, April 17, 2009 12:29:35 PM  
**Subject:** Re:

Well this isn't technically talking and I am so mad at Edward I am not going to talk to him for a.......another........century I can't believe him I blame you! You are a very bad influence on him!

**From:** Emmett Cullen hi_im_  
**To:** Bella Cullen  
**Sent:** Friday, April 17, 2009 12:35:01 PM  
**Subject:** Re:

WHAT?! What did I do? He burned my collection! He just got mad cause I was good at hide and seal and found it. So he burned it! And have you not denied him everything for a while? I swear the poor boy is a virgin again! And his poor Volvo did you have to wreck it? How mad are you at him?

**From:** Bella Cullen  
**To:** Emmett Cullen hi_im_  
**Sent:** Friday, April 17, 2009 12:42:49 PM  
**Subject:** Re:

you are always acting like a child I swear sometimes I cant tell the difference between you and renesmee and he disserves what he is getting I mean did you know that he hasn't done anything but mope around since she was born so the whole no action in the bedroom is his fault and at least I didn't wreck his Austin martin and I am so mad at him that I think I am switching teams TEAM JACOB

**From:** Emmett Cullen hi_im_  
**To:** Bella Cullen  
**Sent:** Friday, April 17, 2009 12:49:03 PM  
**Subject:** Re:

You LIE! Edward tries hard not to gloat about you guys in bed every single day! He thinks he can get to me...But what he didn't know is that....I've been having sex in his Austin Martin! MWAHAHAHAH! I mean No you should not switch to Jacob. You know why? Because your own daughter would disown you!!!!!

**From:** Bella Cullen  
**To:** Emmett Cullen hi_im_  
**Sent:** Friday, April 17, 2009 12:53:53 PM  
**Subject:** Re:

oh he knows and we have been having a little fun our selves on you com desk were George sits

**From:** Emmett Cullen hi_im_  
**To:** Bella Cullen  
**Sent:** Friday, April 17, 2009 1:24:14 PM  
**Subject:** Re:

George Jr. AND NOOOOOOOOOOO NOT George Jr.'s desk! I made it just for him! You are so wrong!

**From:** Bella Cullen  
**To:** Emmett Cullen hi_im_  
**Sent:** Friday, April 17, 2009 7:01:15 PM  
**Subject:** Re:

sorry things happen and it was fun more fun than what we did in the jeep after he caught you looking at bad pictures on the com of women that were not Rose inside the Volvo

**From:** Emmett Cullen hi_im_  
**To:** Bella Cullen  
**Sent:** Monday, April 20, 2009 12:12:32 PM  
**Subject:** Re:

NOT TRUE! Where do you get such LIES! Wrestling women don't count as women....in bikini looking outfit.... THEY DON'T COUNT!

**From:** Bella Cullen  
**To:** Emmett Cullen hi_im_  
**Sent:** Monday, April 20, 2009 12:21:38 PM  
**Subject:** Re:

Hey Emmett you know I love you right I like dogs oh oh oh and toasters they are so interesting I just can watch it pop all day did you know that the sky is blue why is the sky blue and why did the munchkins give there baby to Esme Alice is fun she gave me sugar ahhhhhhhhhhhh.............. fun Edward is trying to get my sugar help Emmett I have to hide sugar plum away

**From:** Emmett Cullen hi_im_  
**To:** Bella Cullen  
**Sent:** Monday, April 20, 2009 12:26:40 PM  
**Subject:** Re:

Who is sugar plum? And why did they give you sugar? Are you sure that Alice didn't give you a red bull?

**From:** Bella Cullen  
**To:** Emmett Cullen hi_im_  
**Sent:** Monday, April 20, 2009 12:33:01 PM  
**Subject:** Re:

why would a bull be red and better yet y would I want one how do they make circles because you cant use so two lines and Alice wants me to make a circle why do they call it A1 I mean A and 1 don't go together did you know that Edward has rock friends by you guys refused to play with him how do vampires make those things stand up

I mean they don't have blood so how do they do it maybe they use glue I am so going to try that

**From:** Emmett Cullen hi_im_  
**To:** Bella Cullen  
**Sent:** Monday, April 20, 2009 12:35:49 PM  
**Subject:** Re:

MAKE WHAT STAND UP!!!!!!

**From:** Bella Cullen  
**To:** Emmett Cullen hi_im_  
**Sent:** Monday, April 20, 2009 12:40:10 PM  
**Subject:** Re:

The one eyed trouser snake you know that thing that lives in Eddie boys pants that concept has always scared me I think about it a snake that lives in your pants that has sharp teeth shhhhhhh...... I am hiding I have a 5lb bag of sugar and Edward cant find me

**From:** Emmett Cullen hi_im_  
**To:** Bella Cullen  
**Sent:** Monday, April 20, 2009 12:46:44 PM  
**Subject:** Re:

Wait....Why are you talking about his peeny-weinie? And where is George Jr.? Why are you in my closet?! You're scaring me

**From:** Bella Cullen  
**To:** Emmett Cullen hi_im_  
**Sent:** Monday, April 20, 2009 12:50:55 PM  
**Subject:** Re:

because its pretty I am going to name him fluffy and get him a pretty pink bow with sparkles because he needs some bling bling did you know that you have sparkly thongs in here are they for you or rose and there is a rather large school girl outfit that wouldn't fit rose in a million years

**From:** Emmett Cullen hi_im_  
**To:** Bella Cullen  
**Sent:** Monday, April 20, 2009 12:54:30 PM  
**Subject:** Re:

Bella you're spelling everything weird. And those things are um...Rosalie's and that school girl outfit is Carlisle I'm just holding onto it...for um him...

**From:** Bella Cullen  
**To:** Emmett Cullen hi_im_  
**Sent:** Monday, April 20, 2009 1:18:36 PM  
**Subject:** Re:

ummmm there is no way that this outfit is Carlisle because and the top of the sweater it says "Rosalie's Bitch" and that is you so maybe you should just admit that you are a cross dresser and btw me I thought you said that Edward burned all you Hannah Montana stuff because if he did then why do you have blond wig in here and don't try to tell me its Rosalie's because she already has blond hair

**From:** Emmett Cullen hi_im_  
**To:** Bella Cullen  
**Sent:** Tuesday, April 21, 2009 12:06:39 PM  
**Subject:** Re:

Uh they are not Hannah Montana I swear NOW get out of my closet!!!!!!! NOW or I'll tell Edward what you did to Jasper

**From:** Bella Cullen  
**To:** Emmett Cullen hi_im_  
**Sent:** Tuesday, April 21, 2009 12:14:34 PM  
**Subject:** Re:

What did I do to jasper? Loading loading loading.....loading loading loading just keep loading Raw hide

**From:** Emmett Cullen hi_im_  
**To:** Bella Cullen  
**Sent:** Tuesday, April 21, 2009 12:26:06 PM  
**Subject:** Re:

You sprayed him with you're smelly perfume... And raw hide?

**From:** Bella Cullen  
**To:** Emmett Cullen hi_im_  
**Sent:** Tuesday, April 21, 2009 12:42:23 PM  
**Subject:** Re:

no I didn't spray him I don't even wear perfume next time you threaten someone know the facts

**From:** Emmett Cullen hi_im_  
**To:** Bella Cullen  
**Sent:** Wednesday, April 22, 2009 12:08:24 PM  
**Subject:** Re:

WHAT EVER!

**From:** Bella Cullen  
**To:** Emmett Cullen hi_im_  
**Sent:** Thursday, April 23, 2009 12:21:00 PM  
**Subject:** Re:

Emmett are you on drugs

**From:** Emmett Cullen hi_im_  
**To:** Bella Cullen  
**Sent:** Thursday, April 23, 2009 12:25:50 PM  
**Subject:** Re:

The question is are you on drugs Bella?

**From:** Bella Cullen  
**To:** Emmett Cullen hi_im_  
**Sent:** Thursday, April 23, 2009 12:37:46 PM  
**Subject:** Re:

No I am on sugar which is not a drug because it is legal mwahhahahahahah! and I seem to have a blond wig that belongs to a certain someone I think I am going to take hostage

**From:** Emmett Cullen hi_im_  
**To:** Bella Cullen  
**Sent:** Thursday, April 23, 2009 12:44:15 PM  
**Subject:** Re:

NO! NO! And sugar is illegal only to you.

**From:** Bella Cullen  
**To:** Emmett Cullen hi_im_  
**Sent:** Thursday, April 23, 2009 2:05:15 PM  
**Subject:** Re:

No no no no I need SUGAR SUGAR SUGAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love me some sugar

**From:** Emmett Cullen hi_im_  
**To:** Bella Cullen  
**Sent:** Friday, April 24, 2009 12:18:27 PM  
**Subject:** Re:

Bella you need help.

**From:** Bella Cullen  
**To:** Emmett Cullen hi_im_  
**Sent:** Wednesday, April 29, 2009 12:25:06 PM  
**Subject:** Re:

No correction I need that prude boyfriend of mine to give it up already. And quit calling him my husband! He has to get rid of his virginity before he can call himself that!

**From:** Emmett Cullen hi_im_  
**To:** Bella Cullen  
**Sent:** Wednesday, April 29, 2009 12:34:44 PM  
**Subject:** Re:

Are you saying that you're not going to marry him? That would make his angsty heart break! And are you calling yourself a stripper? You know what Eddy boy would have to say about that.

**From:** Bella Cullen  
**To:** Emmett Cullen hi_im_  
**Sent:** Tuesday, May 5, 2009 12:08:46 PM  
**Subject:** Re:

bean bag

**From:** Emmett Cullen hi_im_  
**To:** Bella Cullen  
**Sent:** Wednesday, May 6, 2009 11:41:45 AM  
**Subject:** Re:

Hey...Bella? What's in a bean bag?

**From:** Bella Cullen  
**To:** Emmett Cullen hi_im_  
**Sent:** Wednesday, May 6, 2009 11:59:05 AM  
**Subject:** Re:

dude do you know what concept scares me the one eyed trouser snake I mean think about it a snake that lives in you pants that has one eye and really really sharp teeth

**From:** Emmett Cullen hi_im_  
**To:** Bella Cullen  
**Sent:** Wednesday, May 6, 2009 12:08:27 PM  
**Subject:** Re:

Did you ever think about Edwards one eyed trouser snake? Like that?

**From:** Bella Cullen  
**To:** Emmett Cullen hi_im_  
**Sent:** Thursday, May 7, 2009 12:18:26 PM  
**Subject:** Re:

No I think of it as a kitty named fluffy meow!

**From:** Emmett Cullen hi_im_  
**To:** Bella Cullen  
**Sent:** Thursday, May 7, 2009 12:20:23 PM  
**Subject:** Re:

Bella you are an odd ball...Now...GET OUT OF MY CLOSET!

**From:** Bella Cullen  
**To:** Emmett Cullen hi_im_  
**Sent:** Thursday, May 7, 2009 12:37:30 PM  
**Subject:** Re:

I'm odd ball I don't want to be odd ball I want spots yes I found a black permanent marker no more odd ball for me

**From:** Emmett Cullen hi_im_  
**To:** Bella Cullen leechlover4evayahoo...com  
**Sent:** Thursday, May 7, 2009 12:41:59 PM  
**Subject:** Re:

BELLA OUT OF MY CLOSET NOW!

**From:** Bella Cullen  
**To:** Emmett Cullen hi_im_  
**Sent:** Thursday, May 7, 2009 12:48:18 PM  
**Subject:** Re:

I got spots and I AM NOT IN YOUR CLOSET

**From:** Emmett Cullen hi_im_  
**To:** Bella Cullen  
**Sent:** Friday, May 8, 2009 11:00:12 AM  
**Subject:** Re:

Wait then if you're not in my closet how did you exit my room without my knowledge?

**From:** Bella Cullen  
**To:** Emmett Cullen hi_im_  
**Sent:** Thursday, May 7, 2009 12:48:18 PM  
**Subject:** Re:

First of all I have no clue what a knowledge is and second I took the tunnels under the cardboard cut out of Brad Pitt they lead to jaspers room Emmett why do you have tunnels that lead to jaspers room


	13. Emmett's new friend text? part two

Emmett's new friend text? Part 2

Mike's POV

I stared at the message he had forwarded back to me and my head swam with angry ideas and rude awakening for the person who was texting me these things. Who's number would this be? There were only a few people who knew it I like to keep it to myself unless there was a cute girl within the distance of me. I reached into my brain for a snappy comes back and began to hit the small buttons of my phones keypad. I smiled at my message and hit the send button.

Emmett's POV

I laughed at Mike's idea of a funny remark back to my re-sending his message. I wrote down my small, but still funny. I bet Bella would approve of these messages so I walked down stairs and walked over to her and Edward who were on the couch watching Titanic, Edward probably chose it. I smirked and stared at Bella. Alice was making some motion for me to come to her, but I wanted Bella to read these messages.

"Emmett…Come here." Alice whispered almost impossible for the only human in here to hear. I turned my eyes towards her and put up my pointer finger to show that I would be there in a minute.

"Edward… I hate to ruin your favorite movie but I want Bella to read this." I made sure my mind was closed. I made the wall in my head vary solid like a brick or something with a steel one behind it then some gingerbread walls with icing for fun. Let's see him get past that!

Mike's POV

My phone vibrated, I would definitely get that new ringtone while I tried to figure out who this was. I stared at the screen and I felt my face heat up.

From: xxx-xxx-xxx

Message:

3 monkeys escaped from the zoo ... one was caught watching TV ... another playing football and the third one was caught reading this txt message

"I. AM. NOT. A. MONKEY!" I nearly shouted at the top of my lungs.

Good thing neither of my parents were home to hear that. I stared at the screen I didn't like this game anymore. You could make fun of me all you wanted but you are never allowed to call me a MONKEY! I my thumbs hit my phone pad hard and heavy.

Emmett's POV

Bella was laughing hysterically on the floor while a now mad Edward stared at me and an anxious Alice waited for me. I walked over to Alice to see what she was wanting so bad to tell me.

"Yes? What did you want?" my lips were curved into a proud smirk.

"Rosalie, won't bed you for the next month if you keep ignoring her messages, And ignore her now. In your room." My smile faded.

I stared at my phone her message was there but I didn't read it I already knew what it was. But I didn't care I would convince her some way to see that light. I loved my wife but she could be a real buzz kill sometimes. I felt my hand vibrate and smirked as mike's reply had come to my monkey joke.

From: Mike

Message: WHO THE HELL IS THIS!

I smirked and politely gave him my answer.

Mike's POV

My eyes gaped at the name that stared at me. Emmett Cullen was a real prankster. I didn't like his ideas. Because well most of them messed around with me or involved me. But he was a bad flirt so I knew exactly what to say to him. I hit the send button after typing the now very funny message.

Emmett's POV

I laughed loud enough for even Carlisle to hear perfectly. Everyone in the living room stared at me. "He said Life is not a garden Emmett…So don't be a hoe! If only he knew!" they stared at me oblivious to my messages to Mike. Only Bella knew and continued to laugh. Edward stared at me trying to get in my head. I kept pulling images out of my mind of Rosalie naked. See how you like that Edward.

"I don't like it Emmett now tell me what you are doing to Mike…And a gingerbread wall?"


	14. Emmett, Bella, Walmart

**EM. P. O. V**

**I stood there staring out at the open field which was covered in muddied water puddles from all the rain, which was splashing on the window as I speak. Bella was sitting on the couch. I got stuck babysitting again, How could my so called family do this to me?! Leave me with the human while they go and hunt! I gave Bella a quick glance then looked back out the window and sighed. Why me?**

**B. P. O. V**

I switched through the channels on the television, nothing but football and Obama giving another speech on how things were going to change. Boring! Emmett looked kind of depressed. Why did I have to be babysat? It's not like I'm going to light myself on fire just sitting and flipping through the channels. Edward should know that. Maybe I should talk to him when they get back. Wait! I'm eighteen! I have the right to leave! I got up and walked towards the door. Emmett blurred himself in front of me.

"What Emmett?" I sighed.

"What are you doing Bella! You have to stay here with me! I'm just as bored as you!" He stared at me giving me big sad eyes and a pouty lip.

"Well…Why don't you go with them then?! "

"NO! the bear- I mean I have to stay here and watch over you!" he eyebrows creased.

"Well, I'm bored." I muttered

"Oh, " Emmett smirked, "I just thought of something!"

I stared at him and slowly stepped back a couple of feet.

"W-What?" I stuttered.

"Shopping!" He held out a shiny gold card. My worst nightmare.

**EM. P. O. V**

"C'mon Bella!" I said literally dragging her into the Wal-Mart.

She glared at me. But she couldn't beat my strength so we were in the store with the employee was staring at us both.

"Bella it will be fun. They have books here too! You can go read them!" I smiled.

" Emmett. Can I go look at them alone?" She stared at me.

"Sure. I don't care." I walked in the other direction looking for something to pass the time.

It was a sheer thirty-five minutes that I wondered around the store looking for something, the games they had here I had already defeated and the clothes here are to cheap, Alice would kill me if she saw me in any of these clothes. I closed my eyes and sighed. I spun around before opening my eyes to see my new found idea of fun! I felt my smile reach from ear to ear in excitement of my new devious plot.

_**Late that night…**_

When me and Bella got back everyone was home with few exceptions being Carlisle and Esme. I literally jumped in excitement! This was the perfect idea and I couldn't wait to start it!

"Bella?"

"Yes Emmett?" Concern rose in her voice.

"Can I speak with you alone real quick?"

"I just spent a whole day in Wal-Mart with you. Wasn't that good enough?" She said. Edward looked from me to her.

"Nope. I have a surprise for you!" I heard Alice giggle, she knew what was getting ready to happen. Bella shrugged and followed me to the dining room. I shut and locked the doors behind us so Edward wouldn't decide to follow.

"So what is it Emmett?" she looked up at me.

I smirked. "Well I thought since…" I lifted up the bag and handed it to her, "You won't be getting…" She looked down at the bag. "Open it." She followed my instructions, "Anyways I was saying. Since you won't be getting laid anytime soon… I though you should wear these."

Bella's face flushed red. "G-Granny panties?" And with that Edward busted the door open.

"YOU'RE GOING TO PAY EMMETT!" He growled.

(A/N: Sorry it took so long! I finally got a computer at my house and well heh... I blame lack of computers around me and lack of brains..Scream if you think this one isn't as funny as the others! -screams-)


	15. Bad Pitt and Man Thongs

EMPOV

I stood there quietly. I peeked around the corner to see if Rosalie was in our room, only to find it empty. I smirked. She wasn't there at all. Hopefully no one could see me with the cardboard cut-out of Brad Pitt heading into my room. I know you are wondering why a grown man (slash married vampire; hot man) would be carrying a card board cut-out of another man that women (including Jasper) thought was hot. I snuck him in smoothly through the door and quickly bolted to my closet to covering the gaping hole in the floor in the back of our humongous closet. I propped Brad over the hole. You see the reason the hole was there was my theory that I had come up with. I thought that if I dug a hole (or well tunnel) I could hopefully catch Jasper in the act of looking at the gay porn magazines I had given him for Christmas last year. (He didn't really throw it away) And dear Brad here was to allure my wife's attention away from the gaping hole behind him. Hopefully this plan was going to work and help prove my theory that Jasper was indeed gay. After I had propped good old Brad and adjusted it I took a step back to admire my handy work. I ran down stairs and sat down to the once again empty house. (they went hunting with out me again!) I sighed and went through a mental list of things I could do:

Call Bella

Beg Bella to come play with me and George (the gay bear/ hidden video camera that I got Jasper for his birthday.

Prank call someone

Buy a pair of sexy underwear then go over to Bella's house and give them to Charlie and say that Bella left these and Edward had told me to bring them back to her.

Hmmm…Number four sounded really good.

Maybe I should call the guys and see how hunting is going…

I picked up my cell phone of the arm of the couch and got up and ran to my jeep. I drove quickly to the mall and then jogged at human speed to the Victoria's Secret. I ran to the nearest men's restroom and put the thing on then jogged back to my jeep and sped (way above the speed limit) to Bella's house. (Damn thing gave me a hell of a wedgie. How could women wear these things?) I quickly took the thong off and headed towards the door , thong behind my back. I knocked twice before Charlie swung it open and stared at me in surprise.

"Hey Charlie," I said with a huge smile on my face.

2 HOURS LATER…

Edward bust open the front door and came straight towards me.

"Why in the hell did you go to Bella's house and gave her a thing you were and then tell Charlie that it was her's and she left it here!"

I smiled, "I got bored."

Rosalie came from upstairs with the cardboard Brad Pitt in her arms.

"Why the hell is Brad in our closet Emmett." She screeched.

Bella came from behind Edward tears in her eyes, "Thanks a lot Emmett."

Carlisle looked at me then pinched his nose, "Maybe next time we should bring you along to go hunting with us."

I thought so.

(A/N: So um I went through all my stories and saw all the mistakes I made throughout all of them… hopefully this one was mistake free. Please more reviews!)


End file.
